Days Away from My Third Trimester

I'm now coming up to my third trimester in just a couple days and I'm feeling a huge mix of emotions. I'm excited, impatient, nervous, overwhelmed. happy, tired, ready and everything in between. Most of all though I'm just ready to hold him and kiss him and do nothing but stare at my baby for days :)

I feel like I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. My only complaints have been morning sickness in the first trimester, a hard time sleeping in the second (fixed by my amazing maternity pillow), leg cramps that I've learned to get rid of at the slightest tingle of them, and tailbone pain (also known as coccyx pain that I'm still dealing with). 

I've also been very blessed by the mom's at work and my family. We've been given so many items that John and I just wouldn't be able to afford right now. We've been swimming in baby clothes for months and I keep finding bags of clothes to be washed and hung up. I've actually gotten to the point where if a parent at work comes in with more baby clothes I turn around and give it away to my sister-in-law. We've been given multiples of some items like bouncers and walkers so that I've actually been able to be picky and keep the ones we like best and give the others away. A few days ago I started to stress and think "if something went wrong and I had to have an emergency c-section or be induced right away would we have everything we need for him right now?" and we didn't; we didn't have a place for him to sleep. We have a crib, but no mattress or sheets, no play yard, no bassinet...and I started to worry. The next day a mom at work came in with a co-sleeper she wanted to give us. Prayer answered. I'm seriously amazed at how God has blessed us throughout this entire pregnancy. He is so good!

I am getting a bit discouraged though because it's been my plan from the very beginning to have a natural birth, and a water birth. Unfortunately natural childbirth is so uncommon these days that people are very discouraging whenever they hear about someone attempting it. I feel like I don't have much support in my decision and it's starting to make me really upset. My grandma keeps telling me how she doesn't think I can do it; how she thinks I'm "too small" to give birth naturally (I don't even know what that means...); that I don't know what I'm getting into; that I think it's a joke (which I most certainly do not) etc, etc. Then I have moms at work that think it's cute that I want to try a natural birth but have the attitude of " we'll see how you feel when you're actually in labor". I think it's sad that this is the attitude I've received so far. Why is it so unbelievable for a mother to give birth naturally when women have done it for thousands of years? When this is what our bodies were made for? And when in many countries (aside from North America) having epidurals is a rarity? 

I've found one source of encouragement in a friend who's been through it twice and I'm hoping talking to her will continue to encourage me and help me feel capable. And for future reference, if anyone else needs that person to be an encouragement I'll be that for you, because I'm disappointed in how those around me have responded to my decision and I would hate for a mother to change her mind on a natural birth due to a lack of support. My mind is not changing because of these naysayers, I'm firm in my decision for a multitude of reasons, but it would be nice to hear a "you can do it" at least some of the time.

A Little John or A Little Me?

We had our big ultrasound on Thursday and it was one of the best days during this pregnancy so far. We don't have the results back yet, but we'll have them Monday. I was so excited to see our little bundle!! Baby went from being a little dot on a photo to an actual baby!

My friend went with me to see the ultrasound because John is in Utah for a friend's wedding. I was extremely  upset that John couldn't be there, I cried. But he was on speaker phone with me when she revealed the sex :)

I can't reveal whether baby Merrigan is a boy or girl yet because John and I are going to do a gender/name reveal on Monday when he's home. But I am super excited and immediately went out and bought gender specific items :)

The ultrasound was surreal. It's amazing how much you can see with just that little wand. I saw the brain, the heart, every vertebrae of the spine, we even saw arteries...how crazy is that?! The baby was moving around a lot, kicking and rolling, but I couldn't feel anything. I told the technician I was worried that I didn't feel much movement (and wasn't feeling any at the time) so she looked at the placenta and come to find out I have an anterior placenta, meaning that the placenta is in front of the baby blocking me from feeling a lot of the movement. This isn't a bad thing necessarily, just where the placenta happened to land, and she said that all that means is that it'll take longer for me to feel constant movement. Which kinda sucks, because I love feeling the movement whenever I do.

I really didn't think I'd cry. And I was doing really well at first. But then I saw those cute little baby toes and I couldn't help myself. They are the most precious baby toes I've ever seen in my life. While the technician was trying to get a 3D picture of the face the baby wasn't really cooperating- moving, rolling, not facing the camera, putting his/her hands in front of his/her face whenever she went to take the picture haha she was wiggling my belly trying to get baby to turn the right way...it was kind of funny. And when she did that baby rubbed those adorable little eyes like (s)he was tired...and I cried again.

I've loved this baby since I found out I was pregnant, but it's amazing how much closer I feel to the baby after actually seeing the little face, and the little hands, and the little feet. Now this baby is a definite sex, and now this baby has a definite name....it makes it so much more real.

I can't stop staring at the ultrasound photos. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that right now, as I type this a little baby is actually in my tummy....my baby with that cute little face, and those adorable little toes....that there is an actual human being inside of me that gets tired and rubs his/her eyes. A little baby that looks like me or John...or hopefully a mixture of the two....

So without further ado, here is our little baby

I'm tellin' ya...there's something about those feet that get to me every time...

<3

does baby look like a little John, a little Piper, a little of both?

I'm so excited to meet this little one. To be this baby's mommy. This is one of the best things that's ever happened to me and that will ever happen to me, hands down. I feel so blessed and honored that God has made this little human specifically with John and I in mind, to make the perfect addition to our little family, to teach us and to hopefully help us be the best parents we can possibly be. 

I love you little lamb <3

Figuring Out Maternity Leave

My friend Alicia hit the nail on the head when she talked about how great October due dates are. John and I have been talking about how long I'm going to take for maternity leave, and my bosses have been asking me about it as well because they need to find a substitute teacher for my classroom, and I think October is the perfect time to take off the rest of the year.

I'm due sometime in October so I would naturally take at least 6 weeks which would put me into November, and in November we have Thanksgiving and then a month later we have Christmas and New Years Eve. Instead of worrying about getting time off for family to be here or whatever will be happening, we've decided that I will be home with the baby, get a routine going, and I won't go back to work until the beginning of the New Year. And then the amazing part happens (the amazing, yet expensive part)....baby gets to come to work with me and be in my classroom :) :)

It's going to take a lot of sacrifices to make it work financially, but one of the bonuses of my job is that my children can attend our center. Our center is a private child development center for the university professors and students, but because I work there, my baby can also come. I've already talked to my bosses and there is no conflict of interest if my baby is in my classroom. I can't think of a more perfect situation. I will get to be with my baby ALL day and still bring in a paycheck. I am so thankful that I don't have to quit my job or sacrifice time with my baby. We simply couldn't afford for me not to work, and the thought of leaving my baby with someone else after a few weeks is depressing. Even though we will be paying for baby to be at the center 5 days a week, because John has Fridays off I think baby will stay home on Fridays and get some one on one daddy time.

I know I was baby hungry a while ago, but seriously, the timing is too perfect now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, God's timing is always better than our own. Had I gotten pregnant a year ago when I wanted to, we would be struggling financially and I don't know what I would have done about work or childcare. And what better month to give birth than October because October gets the holiday roll started and I am lucky enough to get to spend all of them at home with my little family :)

Now all I have to do is figure out how maternity leave works and the whole FMLA thing works. I don't know how getting paid while on maternity leave works, but at least I have a few more months to figure it out :)

Alright, God. I'm listening

Last night after I wrote my blog about how hard of a time I've been having during this whole trying to conceive process, I went to bed and did my devotions and you know what it said in big ole' letters? "It will happen". Yep, right there in big, bold letters. The message couldn't possibly be any clearer.

I laughed to myself because of the perfect timing of everything. I read my devotions and it was very clear that I need to be patient and trust in God's timing because when it's supposed to happen it will happen, and whenever I get to the point where I was last night I need to look back on the perfect timing of that devotion and tell myself to stop getting upset because- it. will. happen.

Family Emergency

I'm back in Utah folks. This past week has been a very emotional week for me and my family.

I got a call on Monday of last week telling me that my grandpa was in the hospital. He thought he had the flu over the weekend, and come Sunday night he was in so much pain he told my grandma to take him to the hospital. Turns out his intestines were twisted. They had to do emergency surgery right away.

The surgery went better than expected. They originally thought that the intestines had a knot in them and that they would have to cut part of them off in fear of dead tissue, they were only twisted so that was an easier fix. However, complications have come since then. My grandpa has always had a bad heart, and has been on blood thinner for years. They had to thicken his blood before the surgery to keep him from bleeding out, and they couldn't put him back on the blood thinner after the surgery for the same reason. Well, the thickened blood put him at a high risk for a stroke. Then he got pneumonia...badly. We're still working on that. Then he got an infection. And now his heart is beating twice as hard as it should be.

He's in really bad shape. After hearing that he had taken a turn for the worst I got on the next flight home and landed here at 8:30 this morning. I went to see him first thing today. He's sedated most of the time, though he responded to me a little bit today. I was holding his hand and talking to him; he opened his eyes, tried lifting his head, tried talking (I could see him moving his mouth a little bit (he's on a ventilator)), he moved his feet, and the thing I loved the most...he squeezed my hand- a couple times. Everyone says that was the most responsive he's been to anyone. Some people say that it wasn't really him because he's on so many drugs right now. I don't care what they say though, it was my grandpa that was squeezing my hand, it was my grandpa who was looking back at me, it was my grandpa who was moving his feet. I feel like I'm holding on to a thread right now, but I'm holding on to that little hope for dear life.

 I finally admitted out loud to John last night that I'm angry with God for doing this to my grandpa and my family, at the same time though I still find myself keeping faith that He'll pull my grandpa though this. 

My grandpa has been like my dad. I love my dad don't get me wrong, and we have an amazing relationship, but my grandpa is the one that has always been there for me. My grandpa is in all of my childhood memories. My grandpa put a roof over my head, gave me a bed for me to sleep in, clothes on my back, and food in my belly; he has always been my biggest defender, and my biggest cheerleader.

So this can't be it.

Not yet.

The doctors say that the next 48 hours will tell us how this is going to turn out in the end. So I ask you, any of you and all of you who are reading this, please pray for him. Please pray that he'll gain his strength back; that he'll be able to beet the pneumonia, that he'll be able to fight off the infection, and that he'll be able to come back home.

40 Days & 40 Nights

It's been a while since I've considered giving up something for lent. I'm not Catholic, I'm Baptist, and in our church it's not really that big of a deal. Some people observe it individually, but we don't require it. I've given up things before when I was little, but I feel like I should do it this year.

Starting tomorrow I'm giving up reading. I read all the time. I read 10 books last month alone. So it's a big deal for me to give it up. In turn, every time I want to pick up one of my books I'll pick up the Bible and read that instead.

It's going to be really hard for me, but that's the point right? To give something up that has meaning to you in order to get closer to God? Wish me luck!

Are you giving up anything for lent? If so, please feel free to share!

Heaven is for Real

The very first thing I did in the new year (other than kiss my husband, hug my dog and drink some sparkling cider) was read a book. That's right. I read a book. And I want to talk to you about it, which means of course that you need to read it so we can discuss.

The book I read was

 

I just can't stop thinking about it.  I went to bed dreaming about it, it's all I talked about yesterday. I gave my copy to Amy (sister-in-law) so she could read it; I'm getting another copy of it and I'm going to let Tina (other sister-in-law) borrow it so she can read it. Seriously guys...it did something to me. There's no doubt in my mind that this little boy saw Heaven and I'm so grateful his dad wrote a book about it so that we could have that little extra glimpse. Sure, we know the streets are paved with gold, and that God is sitting on a throne with Jesus to his right, we do have a glimpse of what Heaven will be like through the Bible...but did you ever wonder what the rest of it is like? Like...who sits on the left side of the throne? I know I have. If you'll recognize and still know people who have passed? I know I have. Have you ever wondered what events go on in Heaven? I have. Are there animals in Heaven? I've wondered that too. Being a Christian I know I fall short. I know I don't deserve to go to Heaven, but because of God's love, mercy and forgiveness we have that chance through his Son. This book heightened my feelings of "I definitely don't deserve that"; I just felt honored reading about it....but I know that someday I'll get to see it all for myself and for that I can't wait!

I'm sorry if this is a little preachy. But I can't contain my excitement. It's kind of like what I felt when I read The Jesus I Never Knew (one I also highly recommend), it changed me forever. I think this one is on that same kind of level. I'll never think of Heaven the same as I did before, or the Holy Spirit, God, or Jesus. It's just that good.