What Would Have Been

Ive been having a hard time dealing with my miscarriage the past couple days. It's been hitting me at work at the most random times- I'll be feeding a baby and it'll hit me, or a baby will fall asleep in my arms and it'll hit me, or even yesterday when one of our babies rolled over for the first time...it hit me then too. I think I'm thinking about it so much lately because I was going to announce our pregnancy this upcoming Tuesday, my birthday. I would have been 3 months, but instead I'm starting all over.

I also just had a friend lose her baby and I know exactly what she's feeling. She was a couple weeks further a long when she lost hers, but I still understand and it brought me back to that place again. It sucks. And although we're still trying, I'm full of mixed emotions about seeing a positive test. I want that so bad; I pray for it every night...but I'm terrified at the same time thinking that the same thing will happen again, and I don't know how I'll take it if I have to go through this a second time around.

Stocking Up

I bought some really cute stuff today for my baby stash, wanna see? Of course you do, it's cute baby stuff, who doesn't want to look at cute baby stuff? I bought....

                                                                       this car seat cover 
                                                            (hat included! the hat sold the deal)

                                                               and the blooming bath
                                                                      (in turquoise)

I typically don't like the gender neutral stuff so I pass on anything that I feel should be related to the gender, but I didn't like the gender specific car seat covers anyway and then I saw this one and it's just too stinkin' cute to pass up. And the blooming bath, I figured if it's a girl she'll still look girly in a blue flower, and if he's a boy well then at least it's blue! haha

I also bought a moby today (in the color "slate") but those aren't "cute" so no picture needed. 

I also bought this diaper bag a few months ago, but wanted to share it with my "cute baby stuff"

When it comes to diaper bags I feel like it doesn't need to be gender specific because baby isn't the one carrying it around- I am, so I went ahead and bought one that I wouldn't mind toting around everywhere. The whole gray being a gender neutral color thing is a coincidence because I'm a sucker for gray. It's pretty :)

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding...

Hi guys,

Well I wrote in my last post that I would be lying low for a little while and I had intentions to do that, but things have changed. You see, New Years Eve I found out I was pregnant. I was SO excited I was actually in tears. John told me to lie low and not tell anyone, but I couldn't do that....I was too excited!! So I told my two best friends Lizzie and Courtney and my little sister Bailey, I seriously was about to burst at the seams with the news every time I saw someone. But John and I have always been on the same page when it came to sharing this news, we were going to wait until I was in my second trimester, after the risk of miscarriage went down. 

A couple days after I found out, I started bleeding. I was bleeding and cramping really bad, called my doctor and explained what was going on....there was nothing they could do, they told me to wait a few days and then go in for a check up. When I went in my doctor verified my fears, I had miscarried. I was absolutely devastated, angry and confused.

I pride myself in knowing a lot of information about pregnancy...infants...all that jazz, but I didn't know that 50% of miscarriages happen within the first 6 weeks and that's where I was at. I debated putting this super personal information in my public blog because most of my family doesn't even know and none of my friends know except for Lizzie & Courtney, but I decided to finally write it down because no one talks about it. My case could have been so much worse- I didn't hear a heartbeat or feel it kick, I didn't give birth only to realize I lost my baby, so I know people have it so much worse than me but I'm putting this out there in case it's happened to anyone who went through it and wants to talk or is going through it and wants to talk. 

For those who are wondering, I'm doing okay. I'm not great, but I'm okay. My doctor said I shouldn't have anything to worry about and this shouldn't increase my chance for another miscarriage. I'm completely healthy and we've started trying again. I'm just praying it doesn't happen next time and that 9 months from the  time I see that positive test we'll have a healthy and beautiful baby boy or girl. 

P.S. On the upside, this made us seriously consider baby names and baby things....we have officially (like officially officially, we're not even considering other names) decided on a boy's name and a girl's name. I've gotten a couple more baby things, and I'm going to start purchasing bigger baby things like strollers, carseats,  pack n' plays....all that fun stuff :) 

Alright, God. I'm listening

Last night after I wrote my blog about how hard of a time I've been having during this whole trying to conceive process, I went to bed and did my devotions and you know what it said in big ole' letters? "It will happen". Yep, right there in big, bold letters. The message couldn't possibly be any clearer.

I laughed to myself because of the perfect timing of everything. I read my devotions and it was very clear that I need to be patient and trust in God's timing because when it's supposed to happen it will happen, and whenever I get to the point where I was last night I need to look back on the perfect timing of that devotion and tell myself to stop getting upset because- it. will. happen.

My Struggle

I'm trying so hard to be at peace with not being pregnant yet but I'm struggling. Everywhere I turn family and friends are having babies and getting pregnant. All my friends want to talk about is how they're getting ready for their babies, how they're getting ready to start trying, how their pregnancy is going, posting pictures of their bellies and their new babies and here I am, still trying to get pregnant with nothing to say. No big announcement. No surprise picture. Nothing.

My old sorority sends out alumni newsletters every month to keep us all updated on how each other is doing and because most of our group are now moms or soon to be moms they want to start adding a little insert about mommyhood and their kids. That was announced tonight, and it felt like a slap in the face.

I really am trying so incredibly hard to be okay with the waiting process, but I can't tell you how many times I've cried about it not happening yet.

Baby Names Continued

I don't even know if we'll ever need it, but  in case we do....John and I decided on a baby girl name tonight. I love it. And he likes it. Those things never happen at the same time.

John: "I've actually heard that one. But it's not common."

Success! Exactly what I was goin for.

One thing we have decided on as far as boys names go that I can share is that if we have a boy his middle name will be Robert in loving memory of my grandpa. That makes me happy inside. We still (I still) have about 5 boys names on our boys names list. I have my favorites but he doesn't really like to talk about names extensively since I'm not even pregnant yet. Understandable. Kind of. I like talking about it. Planning is the only thing I can do that makes me feel better about not being pregnant.

I wish getting knocked up was as easy as Teen Mom makes it look.

An Absolutely Must Have is Absoulutely Out of The Question

Somebody, please stop me from lookin up baby things 24/7. It's getting a little ridiculous.

I'm not even pregnant yet and all I do is look up baby items we need, baby items I want, baby items that I think are absolutelymusthaves. On one hand I feel like I need to start buying things now so we're more prepared and we're not shoveling out all this money at once, on the other hand ...I have no idea how long it's going to take for us to get pregnant. So do I wait? Or do I start buying little pieces at a time?

Ok let's be real here. I've already bought some little pieces, now I want big pieces, which are harder to justify.

I do get myself in to trouble when I start searching for things though. Tonight for example, I wanted to check out prices on crib bedding sets just to see how much they can run for...I found the absolutelymusthave crib bedding set if we have a girl (which is another reason I think I should stop because I don't even know what gender I am going to need things for and I'm not going all neutrals) only this absolutelymusthave is $478!!! So basically what this all boils down to is that if/when the time comes when John and I are expecting a little girl, I will be taking donations for this beaut, kay?

Baby Name Charts Give Me Ulcers Part II

Realizing that my baby name list was dwindling down (and not because I was crossing off my least favorites from the list) I hopped on the social security's baby name top 1000 (yes 3 zeroes) chart to get more ideas. I also Googled "How Not To Choose A Trendy Baby Name" and you know what I found? An article that specifically listed my #1 baby name as a prime example of a name not to choose because of it's popularity!

WTF! Seriously. What. The. F#@%.

I swear on everything holy that I thought I made it up! The ironic thing is though, that I've still never heard anyone say the name let alone name their kid with this name....but it's somehow so popular that it's in an article about not choosing a trendy baby name.

F@#% me.

So long name. I love you dearly. But I just can't do that to my hopefully in-the-near-future kid...

Back to the drawing board.

Baby Name Charts Give Me Ulcers

Not really.
But close.

Every girl has a list of baby names...whether you're trying to get pregnant or not, every girl has a list. I've had mine for a very long time, but admittedly names come and go from my list. This mainly depends on the Top 100 Baby Names chart...I refuse to give my baby a popular name. Though some of the names I have in mind are on this list, in a perfect world my baby names wouldn't even reach top 100. 

But you know what ruins my day even more than seeing my baby names get more popular on this list? (Though that really frustrates me and causes me to go back to the drawing bored once they hit above #50.) When people I know use my baby names!

The other night I told John he needs to "hurry and knock me up before all my baby names get taken". In the last couple weeks 2 of my names have been used by people I know and one has reached soaring popularity on the baby name charts which makes me no longer want it.

But I'm running out of names!

One that frustrates me the most is a name I made up. I've never heard it before; I honestly thought I made it up. Even with all the other baby names that have come and gone on my list, it has constantly been my number one name  for 2 years now, and the other day I saw it on a "today's trending names" list .

So seriously. This baby needs to be made fast, before anyone I know uses my name!!


A couple previous names on my baby list that have become too popular or used by people I know:

Lillian
Scarlett 
Amelia
Olivia
 Isabella (before Twilight's Bella became ridiculously popular) 

Gabriel
Wesley
Landon
Lucas
Noah
Gavin
Elijah
Sawyer 


*Note:  I hopped on and looked at the popular baby names list again while I was typing this and saw my number one name move even higher up the list! It already seems unusable being at the spot that it's at on the charts, I'm going against everything I've always thought by keeping once it surpassed  #50 ..if It gets any higher I'll seriously lose my mind.

I love having a unique name. I do not want my kid to be 1 one of 5 or even 1 of 3 in their class. I've always wanted a name that wasn't even on the charts, and now because of the way trends go, ALL of my names are on the top 100. I really love them, but do I keep them knowing they are growing in popularity and go against what I've always wanted as far as naming my child? Or start looking for new names, knowing that eventually they will probably come up on this list too?

All In Due Time

I love my new job. I get to play with babies all day long! Sure there's some diaper changing, bottle feeding, and throw up cleaning mixed in there, but the majority of the time is spent cuddling and playing with babies and I love it. I'm still trying to find where I fit in with the people I work with, but isn't that how it always is though? That's why I hate starting new jobs. I hate being the new girl. I hate not knowing everything. I like having my routines and having friends in the workplace. I'm not quite there yet, but it'll come I'm sure.

On another note, John and I have decided not to go the military route. I'm very happy with this decision, and he is too. Kudos to everybody who lives that life, but it's not for us.

Also, super exciting news....John and I have started trying for a baby! Words can't even express how ecstatic this makes me. I'm questioning myself about announcing this to my blog (I haven't even announced it to family and have only told a couple really close friends) in case we can't get pregnant or in case it takes years. That's a major scare for me, and it happens to people! I'm doing all the right things, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything so we'll see how all this works out. Though I gotta say, I know I've been baby hungry for a very long time now, but I'll admit  the timing now seems pretty great....much greater than even 6 months ago. This new job has really opened up doors that weren't there before. I can now have dual coverage for myself as far as medical insurance goes, our income is better, and to put the cherry on the sundae- when I have a baby, my baby can come to work with me and be in our center. It's perfect. I told John a year ago that whenever the time for a baby came I wanted a job that provided a day care so I could bring our baby with me to work- I can check in on breaks and my lunch, we don't have to worry about finding a babysitter....and I didn't even know this was an option when I applied for this job. This is just more reassurance that God's timing is always better than our own!

Photo Story Telling

Our 2012 Family Vacation to the Oregon Coast and Camping Trip in Central Oregon
 

 

"Soon"

So as you all know I am very anxious (happy anxious) to be a mom some day. I'm seriously baby hungry.

For the past 7 months or so it feels like everything revolves around this one topic, but John just hasn't felt ready. Although he's given me many mixed signals on the whole issue (which is a conversation for another time), ultimately his answer was "not yet" mainly because of finances.

About a week or so ago John told me that we could start trying "soon". I brushed it off (due to the many previous mixed signals) and just said "sure". He grabbed me by the waste to get my attention and told me that he meant it. I; however, told him that "soon" was a very relative term and that "soon" may mean something completely different to him than it does me. Then he told me that "soon" to him meant about 6 months...at the beginning of the new year, after the holidays. Not wanting to get my hopes up I told him that our financial state may not change in 6 months so I wasn't holding my breath. "Even if it doesn't change" was his response. That was something he's never said before and he finally got my attention.

That was a huge step for him. He is so scared of the finances that come from having a baby. Not necessarily the baby clothes, toys, and all that stuff, but the doctor visits and medical bills that add up. I understand his concern, so it was a huge move for him to tell me that even if things stay the same...he's up for trying in 6 months. When I asked him what caused his change of heart, he just said that he's been thinking about it a lot and he feels like he's old enough, mature enough, and ready to be a dad.

It's not something that he wants to tell people, but I figure none of his friends/family read my blog anyway so what's it going to hurt to mention it on here? I'm sure you guys won't go blowing up my facebook wall talking about it, right?

 I'm very excited! Especially because it seems like once August hits, the rest of the year flies by! In a couple weeks we leave for our annual family vacation, then we come back and John leaves for a boy's reunion; next we have his cousin's wedding to look forward to, then it's Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Years and then....it's time! We'll cross off one event at a time, and before I know it it'll be January and hopefully not long after that we'll be parents.

YAY!!!!

I've got my baby names down. I've got my box of baby things that is building slowly over time. I've got my hubby on board. Hurry up January!!

Interview Take II

I had my interview today. I think it went pretty well. I know I'm onto the next phase of the hiring process which means that I need to take a test that the company created for their future hires. I haven't even told you guys what the job is huh? Well, it's a customer service position at State Farm. If I get the job I'll be the first person that the customers see when they walk in the office.

It's a good opportunity- they'll pay for my certification & classes, it's better pay and much better hours (I'll actually get to see John during the day! We're doing on day two of not seeing each other thanks to our lovely work schedules [boo sucky schedules!]). So let's pray I pass this test and can head on to interview number zwei.

This job would mean so much for us. More time together, more money which would help a lot right now, and more money would mean that we would be able to get into a higher bracket while looking for a house and, well you know there's that other thing ;)

Speaking of. I contacted all three heads of each department for my degree, all 3 of them are on board. YES! I just need to fax in a contract and have them all sign it. I'm excited to be getting back into school so I can finish my degree.

Oh life, you are so weird sometimes. One minute I'm down, the next I'm up...I like the up part much better.

Interview

Remember my To Do List?

Well, I have a job interview tomorrow....it's a really good job opportunity and I'm really hoping and praying that I'll land it. With my hours at work being cut, and basically, me just being mentally exhausted from the client that I've been having such a hard time with, I'm looking forward to this interview and the possibility of a new job adventure.

I know the guy personally that I'm hoping to work for, him and his family are really close to John and his family, not that that will get me the job, but I'm hoping it'll count for something. Fingers and toes crossed that I get this full time job, and that John and I can start, well, you know ;)

To Do List:

According to John I need to do two things in order for this baby makin' to start.

1: start school again. I don't have to be finished, I don't have to be a year in, I just have to get back into it. 

2: get a full time job. A job that pays more and has more hours so we can support said baby.

So what did I do today? Looked for full time positions, applied to one, and created a list of others to apply to throughout the week. Also, I contacted the 3 chairs of each department for my emphasis in order to get their approval and acceptance into the program. Now I'm not-so patiently waiting to hear back so I can start school again.


I would like to point out that I haven't been pushing to start this baby process right away. Sure I want this, and I've certainly been thinking it and talking about it to friends...but this recent baby talk has been all John, which makes me very happy. I love how in sync we are when it comes to things like this. It's like he reads my mind (...or my blog, but I doubt that's the case).


And so it begins!

Which Emotion Will Take Over Next

Basically, I feel like an emotional roller coaster right now.

I went from being super happy today, to being incredibly pissed off...and I mean like, blood boiling pissed off, then after the anger wore off I got sad, and now I have a little hope which makes me happy.

Here's how my day went.


John and I spent the day together and I was totally feeling the Christmas spirit. We went shopping and bought some Christmas stuff, and we decided that tomorrow we're getting our Christmas tree and decorating it. Then we went to the store and got pumpkin pie and eggnog (which we were going to save until tomorrow when we decorate the tree/house but we just couldn't wait so we dug in), and I was having a holly, jolly ole' time.

Then I went to work. And that's when it all went downhill. Literally less that one minute after walking in the door I went from :D to >:O. Why the sourpuss face you ask? Two of our kids got taken away from their mother tonight and put into foster care. I have no sympathy for her, I would have taken them away too. But I feel heartbroken over those kids. I've never been so angry at a client before but I was irate when I heard why the kids got taken away. Mad because she fooled everyone so well; mad because she chose a guy over her kids; mad over her selfishness; mad over her irresponsible and dangerous decisions; mad that those two beautiful babies will now be torn apart; mad because she had chances to change; mad because she's giving up, and mad because I kept thinking of how I would do anything to have a child while there are people out there who don't value their children enough and then situations like these happen.

I was mad for my entire shift. Then I got in my car to head home and I started thinking more of the kids and focusing less on my anger towards the mom. I feel heartbroken that they will be taken away from their mom because they adore her. I feel bad that they will be torn apart. And I'm sad that I won't get to see their cheery little faces anymore.

And here's where the hope comes in.

I'm thankful that they will be taken out of a dangerous/unstable situation and placed with foster parents who care and love them. I know the foster system is screwed up, but one of them has already been taken once and has a foster mom who really does love this child and takes care of them. Maybe that's this will be their saving grace. Then when I got home I started telling John about my awful night and he talked me through my emotions and even though I was doubting my ability to work in a career like this permanently, he encouraged me and listed reasons of why I can do this job. That obviously led to a discussion about our careers and our future, and in this topic of our future, John mentioned babies. I didn't say anything, though I wanted to, but he said that we need to get on top of making our lives better "so we can start having babies". Yes. Those words came out of his mouth. That led to us talking about our careers, him applying to police jobs this weekend, and me finishing my degree. So, then I hopped online and started looking at some more information about my degree and then I started looking up police positions that are open. There are two police departments that are hiring in our dream spot...the coast. This makes me super excited. As soon as I told John he got really excited too. He's applying first thing tomorrow. So please, please, please, say a prayer that John will get one of these positions! I cannot accurately describe how happy the thought of living on the Oregon coast makes me.


 So there's the inside scoop on my highly emotional day.

Gotta love it.

My Struggle Between Excitement and Selfishness

I've always wanted to be a mom, it's something that I just feel like I was born to do. I wanted to wait a little while before John and I started having kids because I didn't want to be one of those couples who don't know what it's like to just be together and enjoy each other- without a baby involved. My family even took a bet on how quickly I would get pregnant before John and I got married. My sister said my wedding night (oh ye of little faith!), my brother, step-mom, and pretty much everyone excluding my dad said they'd give me 1 year before I was pregnant, my dad gave me 2. Well, I made it a year (in a week and a half) and I'm not pregnant. But I really don't think I'm gonna make it two years which was my initial goal.

People tell me to wait and to enjoy married life. And I feel like I have enjoyed it; I love married life. I love being John's wife and being our own little family. And although we've only been married for 1 year, I think people forget sometimes that we've been together for 6 1/2 years so I feel like I've waited. 

It's hard when you want something so badly and yet everyone around you is getting exactly what you are trying to hold out on. I have a group of 4 friends and we've been super close since we were in kindergarten. Well, one is having a baby any day now, I mean really, I wouldn't be surprised if she popped tonight; my other friend's wife is now pregnant and they're expecting theirs soon, so 2 of us 4 are expecting. On top of that I have a friend who has a beautiful 1 year old boy;  John's cousin's wife is pregnant and due in the spring (I think that's when she's due...); I see tons of acquaintances via Facebook (aka: people I know from high school but who I wouldn't say are exactly close friends) announcing pregnancies and having babies; I'm around babies all day at work and two of our clients are expecting now (one who also is going to pop soon I'm sure of it), and now on top of ALL that my sister-in-law is now pregnant.

Please don't get me wrong, I am very excited... actually, ecstatic for all of my friends and my sister-in-law to be having babies (especially Jaici my sister-in-law, I can't wait to be an aunt to a baby Merrigan!!) but I'm ashamed to say that I''m also jealous. People laugh and think it's funny, hell, I make a joke out of my baby itch too, but when I'm left alone I find myself more sad then I should be. I'm not going to confess as to what exactly that means but it's like I said, it's hard when you want something so badly, and you see everyone around you getting it.

I just can't help but wonder when it will be our turn to experience something so amazing. I wonder when John will finally say "ok, we can try". I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but I'm only being honest.