36 Weeks and Counting

Woa have I been MIA or what??

We've been super busy getting ready for baby Pierce's arrival. We only have 28 more days until our due date, but everyone thinks he's going to come early. And I agree. So while I'm counting down from 28, I secretly hope that we really don't have that long to wait.

As of today I feel that he could come any time and we would be ready :) We have everything that we would need right away, and almost everything we need period. The only things left are a crib mattress which we will be getting next week, and sheets for the crib and changing table. That's it. After that we have everything :)

I've done a lot of work on the nursery the past couple weeks and it's so nice to see it all come together. We've got our decorations up; I painted his dresser and reassembled it; I painted his bookends; I made a baby mobile; we received a glider from my mom today and it's assembled and I'm currently working on his baby quilt :) I love all of it!

His co-sleeper is set up next to our bed, our baby monitors are charged and set up, I received my breast pump today, our hospital bag is almost fully packed, and we're interviewing pediatricians.

Four weeks ago I didn't feel ready at all. There was still such a huge list of things we needed to get done and not having the nursery finished (or even close to finished) was stressing me out. But now, I'm ready. I'm so ready :)

We even started sleeping with his blanket we plan on taking to the hospital so it smells like mommy and daddy. I was pretty sure John would think it was weird or silly, but the other morning he was sleeping with it :) he's so cute :)

So hopefully in 28 days (or less) I'll have baby photos to post, but until then I'll probably continue to be MIA and just relax and enjoy the last few weeks John and I have to ourselves :)

Pregnancy Productivity

This week I finished painting the nursery :) I LOVE how it turned out

We went with a tan base on all four walls and then charcoal gray stripes on the accent wall that will be behind the crib :)

And then we'll have red accents throughout the room :)

After I finished painting I moved all the baby stuff back into the nursery where it belongs. We now have baby clothes hanging in the closet, and the changing table set up and organized with diapers, diaper cream, baby lotion and soap, as well as health stuff like our thermometer, nail clips, all that jazz. I've got his toys in his toy box, and we got his carseat and stroller set up. The carseat even has toys dangling and a little carseat cover on it already. I was on a roll; I wanted to get everything that we had set up right away! 

I also finished filling out my FMLA paperwork. After going back and forth about whether or not we could afford day care (even at my center) we've decided that we will be better off paying the ungodly daycare cost than having me stay at home or even getting a part time job. It was a tough decision, and one that caused a few disagreements, but we've decided that baby will in fact come to work with me and my amazing husband will pick up a second job to help afford the cost. I really hate that he has to work two jobs just so we can afford day care, but we would lose more with me quitting my job. I think it's horrible how expensive day care costs are. I've always heard how expensive it was, but I never knew how expensive until we started looking into it. And the worst part is there's no help in paying the cost (if you have a full time job). Ridiculous.  So anyway, I'll be going back to work 6 weeks after baby boy is born. Soon? Yes, extremely, but me not working is going to be tough on us financially and since he's coming to work with me I get to be with him all day whether I'm working or not, so I might as well help bring in some money (especially since the holidays will be right around the corner!). 

So that's my pregnancy productivity this week. I'm hoping I can talk John into setting up the crib this weekend so I can add that to the list. I love seeing the nursery come together. It's starting to look just like I pictured! :)

Pregnancy Survey Week 21

How far along? 21 weeks 4 days :)

Total weight gain/loss: 11 pounds, including what I originally lost

Maternity clothes? I need more! Hardly any of my clothes fit me now a days. Dresses, workout clothes and leggings are my best friends right now

Stretch marks? None yet :)

Sleep: Still rough for me. My legs still go numb from sleeping on my sides

Best moment this week: Feeling him move more. He's been moving so much this weeks it's been crazy! Today I actually saw my belly move from a kick

Movement: A ton! See above

Food cravings: Chocolate. Chocolate milkshakes in particular. Apple beer and burritos from Taco Maker (unfortunately the last two don't exist in Oregon)

Gender: Little lamb is a BOY!! <3

Labor Signs: Zero. Let's keep it that way for a while

Belly Button in or out? It's completely even with my belly. It's not gonna be in much longer

Wedding rings on or off?  On

What I miss: Apple beer and burritos from Taco Maker haha but also feta cheese and diet coke....and coffee

What I am looking forward to: Our next appointment in a couple weeks. Getting the nursery finished. And John being able to feel movement. 

Weekly Wisdom: If you're sick (which I am) you can take Tylenol and Robotussin (I butchered that spelling, didn't I?). Since I'm not letting myself take any medicines (they say they're safe, but it makes me nervous) emergen-c does the trick :) Load up on liquids and vitamin C! 

Milestones: I've felt more movement this week than I ever have. I'm really hoping John will start feeling all these kicks soon too!

Pregnancy Survey 18 Weeks

How far along? 18 weeks 4 days :)

Total weight gain/loss: I lost 4 pounds and gained the 4 back a couple weeks ago. I'm sure I've gained another pound or so since, so I've actually probably only gained 1 or 2 from where I started. 

Maternity clothes? I have two maternity shirts but those are the only actual maternity clothes I wear. I wear mostly dresses/skirts, leggings, and jeans with my belly band. Shirts are a hit and miss these days.  

Stretch marks? Zero right now :)

Sleep: what's that? Just kidding, kind of. I slept on my back or stomach before I got pregnant, can't do either of those now, but sleeping on my sides makes my legs go numb so I don't do much sleeping these days. 

Best moment this week: Having a 7 day countdown to our ultrasound! Also, I bought a carseat and stroller yesterday, that was exciting 

Movement: I felt 3 kicks and I've felt other light movement

Food cravings: Orange juice was a huge one but that's passed. I don't really have any right now....except refried beans with melted cheese. That sounds good ALL the time!

Gender: we find out in 7 days! we think baby is a girl 

Labor Signs: none

Belly Button in or out? it's hangin in there, but it's almost even with my belly now. I was just telling Lizzie that today haha it looks weird

Wedding rings on or off? they're on :)

What I miss: a good nights sleep, coffee, diet coke, and feta cheese

What I am looking forward to: everything! more movement, movement that John can feel, finding out the sex, getting the nursery set up...what am I not looking forward to?!

Weekly Wisdom: I don't know if I have any wisdom yet...the second trimester has been a breeze aside from no sleep which I still haven't figured out, so I'll accept some weekly wisdom on sleeping ;)

Milestones: little flutters turned into 3 kicks this week :)

First Belly Photo and a Pregnancy Question

Instagram has seen it, Facebook has seen it, it's about time the blog has seen it too

My first belly photo :)

I feel like my stomach grew overnight. Although I could see a difference in my belly before, not many others could and then BOOM everyone started commenting on how I'm showing and people have been touching my belly since. 

We get to go in for our ultrasound next Friday and we're hoping we can get an early prediction on the gender. I'm a little nervous for this appointment though. At my last appointment my doctor told me I had lost weight. She said she wasn't concerned yet, but that I needed to focus on gaining it. I figured I had lost weight because I was so sick at first and could hardly eat, but I feel like I've been doing so much better ever since. I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner; I eat small snacks every 2-3 hours, I really don't know what else I could do. With this mindset I hopped on the scale a couple days ago and have only gained one pound out of the few that I lost :( 

I feel healthy, and by looking at my belly our baby is clearly growing, so should I be worried? I'm not sure. So I'm a little nervous for our appointment. 

Do any of you  moms have suggestions for gaining healthy weight? Did you have this problem, and should I be worried? Any tips would be much appreciated :) 

And the Search is Over!!

Oh man, I am so thrilled you guys!

After our loss of the name Naomi I have been searching and searching baby girl names trying to find one that John and I could both agree one. That was nearly impossible. I like unique; he likes traditional. I like modern; he likes Biblical. Oh man, it was rough. We went through tons of names; I would come up with a list and he "could deal with" about three out of twenty. So back to the drawing board I'd go. There was one name I kept putting on there hoping he would change his mind, but each time the response I got was- "eh maybe I could deal with it". But I'd slip it on the list the next time hoping for a different reaction....the reaction was the same because I don't think he ever actually remembered it from the list before haha.

Tonight John mentioned our top three picks to the boys and tried to get some more opinions on them. The boys didn't like any of them, which makes John less excited about them, and in all honesty I had my own issues with each of them anyway. Then I did it; I mentioned that one name again and John said, "hmmm...what about _________" to the boys and they approved! With the guys approval behind us, and John's "yeah, I actually like that" response, we FINALLY have a baby girl name winner!

Our top three picks that are not getting picked were:
Nova
Delaney
and
Darla

I love the idea of using Nova for reasons I've mentioned before; however, I want my baby to place their own stamp on a name, to make it their own, and every time I hear or read the name Nova I picture my great grandma. And I don't want that to change.

Delaney I still think is pretty, but it's just not meant to be our little girl (if baby is a girl....which I'm 98% sure she is). John wasn't thrilled about it but it was one of the least hated on the lists, John's friends crossed it off immediately (not that their opinion matters to me, but it does to him), and even my best friend had that "it's nice...." response which is never good haha. It just wasn't meant to be.

and lastly, Darla....I think this is the cutest name for a little girl, but that's just it- a little girl. It's one of those names that I couldn't picture as a woman's name in her 30's or so. For a little girl- darling! For a woman...I'm just not sure it grows up well.

So if anyone is looking for girl names, there's a couple ideas! Sorry if my explanations ruined them for anyone!

When we find out for sure what gender our little lamb is (hopefully on the 3rd, if not then then in June), I'll announce our names.

I was so excited about our boys name we've picked that I didn't think we could find a girls name to match my excitement, but we did!!

*Maybe if you're super curious and want to ask me privately about our names I'll tell you ;) I just don't want it publicly listed on this blog yet :)*

Now you guys don't have to hear about my rants during this stressful search! Aren't you excited now too?? haha

More Gifts for Baby

John and I have truly been blessed with an amazing support system and are surrounded by generosity.

Last night I was babysitting one of the little boys in my class and his parents (who I love, they're the sweetest) gave us some of his old baby things. We received a bouncer, an activity mat, and a boppy pillow.  All used for only one child; all in excellent condition.

Those things are so pricey individually, even a simple boppy pillow is like $50 (ridiculous, right?) so having them give this stuff to us is such a treasure!

We have so much stuff already; I know I've said it before, but this child is so spoiled already. And we're very grateful!!

Baby Girl Names: Help!

We don't know that little lamb is a girl, but I have a very strong feeling that it is (so does John, and my grandma, and so do my friends....it's gotta be a girl, right??). And we had our girl name picked out, it was a done deal, she was going to be Naomi Elizabeth.....but we have to change it.

Someone very close to us has had that name picked out for a while apparently and even though they're not pregnant, they still plan on using it even if we name our little girl Naomi. That would be two Naomi's who would grow up together, and who would live right next to each other. And that ain't happenin.

SO we have to find another girl's name because seriously, I'll bet money baby is a girl. But we need help. We need suggestions.

I'm SO picky with names!! I don't want anything popular (nothing on the baby top 100 list or even low 100's cuz they could spike in popularity); I'm one of those people that if I know someone with the name I won't use it; I want a super girly, feminine, unique, beautiful name....and I can't find one that I think "that's it!!".

Right now we have a couple on our list (and I swear if anyone steals them after I reveal them they'll see the wrath of Piper) they are:

Nova, my great grandma's name. She's my hero, the person I strive to be like, she meant so much to me that I feel like my daughter would be lucky to share her name and I would like to honor my great grandma by naming our child after her..

Nadine is our other name. I don't have any strong attachments to the name, but it's pretty, unique, and I feel like it's feminine.

Right now that's all we've got. John says "Nadine would work" but that's not exactly the response I wanted. He likes Nova, but I want a list for him so he doesn't feel like he has to choose that name because it's my grandma's name, ya know?

I would like the middle name to stay Elizabeth, but I'm in need of some help, friends.

Does anyone have any baby girl name suggestions??

Baby Merrigan

It's time to come clean blogger friends. You see, I've been keeping a secret from you...

Yes, it's true. John and I are pregnant :)

I found out I was pregnant the night before my birthday (Happy Birthday to me!!), but we were so scared that we were going to lose this one too we didn't tell anybody. We kept our faith in God, our fingers crossed and our mouths shut until we were able to see the doctor and hear our little one's heartbeat. So a few weeks ago we went in to my OB and sure enough we heard the "swoosh swoosh" of the heart- 120 bpm and everything looks great :)

My doctor and I disagree with how far along I am, but there's a bit of confusion because I got pregnant only two weeks after my miscarriage. Apparently you're super fertile after a miscarriage- who knew. So the confusion lies in me not having a typical cycle in between pregnancies, but I'm pretty positive I'm 10 weeks (doctor thinks I'm 8 but I don't think that's possible). Our due date is either October 8th (if I'm right) or October 21 (if the doctor is right).

So far this pregnancy is completely different from the last one, which is a very good thing!

For the first couple weeks I felt great! Aside from extremely sore boobs I didn't feel much different at all. And then BOOM, the nausea hit like a ton of bricks and has yet to go away. I'm nauseous 95% of the time- morning, afternoon, night, my body doesn't care. I'm not craving anything because most foods make me sick. My boobs, well, they still hurt like a mother. I get tired very easily; I'm ready for a nap by noon everyday and crash when I get home, but you know what? All these symptoms mean high pregnancy hormones, which  means a healthy baby. So if me being sick and exhausted means my baby will be healthy, I'll take this all 9 months long.

John is very excited. He was scared and nervous at first and didn't want to talk about the baby in fear of losing it, but once he heard the heartbeat it was a different story.

We've named baby, but we've had names for a while.

We have nursery themes picked out, we just have to wait a few more weeks till we can find out the gender.

And we're getting a crib soon :)

So that's where we're at. We have a very healthy baby, a very nauseous mommy, a very excited daddy, and all the other details are slowly getting taken care of as well :)

What Would Have Been

Ive been having a hard time dealing with my miscarriage the past couple days. It's been hitting me at work at the most random times- I'll be feeding a baby and it'll hit me, or a baby will fall asleep in my arms and it'll hit me, or even yesterday when one of our babies rolled over for the first time...it hit me then too. I think I'm thinking about it so much lately because I was going to announce our pregnancy this upcoming Tuesday, my birthday. I would have been 3 months, but instead I'm starting all over.

I also just had a friend lose her baby and I know exactly what she's feeling. She was a couple weeks further a long when she lost hers, but I still understand and it brought me back to that place again. It sucks. And although we're still trying, I'm full of mixed emotions about seeing a positive test. I want that so bad; I pray for it every night...but I'm terrified at the same time thinking that the same thing will happen again, and I don't know how I'll take it if I have to go through this a second time around.

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding...

Hi guys,

Well I wrote in my last post that I would be lying low for a little while and I had intentions to do that, but things have changed. You see, New Years Eve I found out I was pregnant. I was SO excited I was actually in tears. John told me to lie low and not tell anyone, but I couldn't do that....I was too excited!! So I told my two best friends Lizzie and Courtney and my little sister Bailey, I seriously was about to burst at the seams with the news every time I saw someone. But John and I have always been on the same page when it came to sharing this news, we were going to wait until I was in my second trimester, after the risk of miscarriage went down. 

A couple days after I found out, I started bleeding. I was bleeding and cramping really bad, called my doctor and explained what was going on....there was nothing they could do, they told me to wait a few days and then go in for a check up. When I went in my doctor verified my fears, I had miscarried. I was absolutely devastated, angry and confused.

I pride myself in knowing a lot of information about pregnancy...infants...all that jazz, but I didn't know that 50% of miscarriages happen within the first 6 weeks and that's where I was at. I debated putting this super personal information in my public blog because most of my family doesn't even know and none of my friends know except for Lizzie & Courtney, but I decided to finally write it down because no one talks about it. My case could have been so much worse- I didn't hear a heartbeat or feel it kick, I didn't give birth only to realize I lost my baby, so I know people have it so much worse than me but I'm putting this out there in case it's happened to anyone who went through it and wants to talk or is going through it and wants to talk. 

For those who are wondering, I'm doing okay. I'm not great, but I'm okay. My doctor said I shouldn't have anything to worry about and this shouldn't increase my chance for another miscarriage. I'm completely healthy and we've started trying again. I'm just praying it doesn't happen next time and that 9 months from the  time I see that positive test we'll have a healthy and beautiful baby boy or girl. 

P.S. On the upside, this made us seriously consider baby names and baby things....we have officially (like officially officially, we're not even considering other names) decided on a boy's name and a girl's name. I've gotten a couple more baby things, and I'm going to start purchasing bigger baby things like strollers, carseats,  pack n' plays....all that fun stuff :) 

Homesick

Have you ever made a life changing decision and afterwards you can't stop thinking if it was the right one?
I made one of those two years ago and I'm still unsure if it was the right thing to do.

I'm really homesick. I've been really homesick for two years now. I have zero family out here (John's doesn't count) and I will never have family out here. I've made a handful of friends and I can honestly say I've only made one that I would be sad leaving. In two years I've only made one friendship that I would miss. How sad is that?

I love Oregon, I really do. I love being near the ocean. I love the rain. I love how green it is all the time. But I love my family more. I hate not being there for my grandma during this whole transition of losing my grandpa. I hate not being there for my sister and her last year of high school. I hate that I can't be with my dad and celebrate with him on every holiday. I miss my friends- my real, true, lifelong friends. I miss white Christmases. I miss being home. Plain and simple.

I know John loves being able to just go crabbing on a whim. I know he loves going salmon fishing whenever he wants. I know he loves having his parents near him. But I also know that he misses his best friends like crazy because he, like me, hasn't met any of those life-long friends yet. He mentioned the other day how if we could move back he could send himself to police academy and he's sure he would be able to land a job. 

But how do we change it now? How do we just pick up again and move?

I think John and I need to have a serious talk....

Alright, God. I'm listening

Last night after I wrote my blog about how hard of a time I've been having during this whole trying to conceive process, I went to bed and did my devotions and you know what it said in big ole' letters? "It will happen". Yep, right there in big, bold letters. The message couldn't possibly be any clearer.

I laughed to myself because of the perfect timing of everything. I read my devotions and it was very clear that I need to be patient and trust in God's timing because when it's supposed to happen it will happen, and whenever I get to the point where I was last night I need to look back on the perfect timing of that devotion and tell myself to stop getting upset because- it. will. happen.

My Struggle

I'm trying so hard to be at peace with not being pregnant yet but I'm struggling. Everywhere I turn family and friends are having babies and getting pregnant. All my friends want to talk about is how they're getting ready for their babies, how they're getting ready to start trying, how their pregnancy is going, posting pictures of their bellies and their new babies and here I am, still trying to get pregnant with nothing to say. No big announcement. No surprise picture. Nothing.

My old sorority sends out alumni newsletters every month to keep us all updated on how each other is doing and because most of our group are now moms or soon to be moms they want to start adding a little insert about mommyhood and their kids. That was announced tonight, and it felt like a slap in the face.

I really am trying so incredibly hard to be okay with the waiting process, but I can't tell you how many times I've cried about it not happening yet.

Baby Names Continued

I don't even know if we'll ever need it, but  in case we do....John and I decided on a baby girl name tonight. I love it. And he likes it. Those things never happen at the same time.

John: "I've actually heard that one. But it's not common."

Success! Exactly what I was goin for.

One thing we have decided on as far as boys names go that I can share is that if we have a boy his middle name will be Robert in loving memory of my grandpa. That makes me happy inside. We still (I still) have about 5 boys names on our boys names list. I have my favorites but he doesn't really like to talk about names extensively since I'm not even pregnant yet. Understandable. Kind of. I like talking about it. Planning is the only thing I can do that makes me feel better about not being pregnant.

I wish getting knocked up was as easy as Teen Mom makes it look.

Perceptions

I'm going to be as vague about this as possible so bear with me...

Today I was online and seeing as how I have ADD when I'm online (I can go from YouTubing Disney songs to looking up tattoo ideas in about 10 seconds flat) one link lead me to another and I stumbled upon a personal blog of someone I know. Yes, I know this person in real life, but we don't really know a lot about what makes each other tick if ya know what I mean. So, I read on. I read so I could get to know blogger in blogger's own words, after all, isn't that why people have blogs?

I felt awkward reading it because of the circumstances we're both in, but I did anyway. Blogger had quickly mentioned me in a couple blogs stating very obvious things about me, but one post in particular made me pretty upset. Blogger made a comment about me barely being 21 and already married (clearly this wasn't a too recent post, though blogger did have my age wrong at the time anyway. I was 22 when blogger wrote it and almost 22 when I got married...ANYWAY), living in a small town with only one main road, who stays inside all the time, doesn't do anything and "has no desire to change it". 

I have issues with this statement. Many issues. First because it's condescending; second, because it alludes to a person who isn't who I am at all and third, because I feel blogger didn't even really try to get to know me for who I am before making this presumptuous comment.

Yes, I got married young and it was the best decision of my life. I love John with everything in me and wouldn't change the age we got married for anything. I wouldn't change our life for anything. Some people say we got married too young, I say- not for us. Everyone one is different, every relationship is different, what's right for one is not necessarily right for the other.

At the time blogger was around me I was living in a small town with one main road that I HATED. I seriously couldn't stand living in the town we lived in. I hated everything about it. It was too small, and I don't do small towns. I'm not in a big city now by any means nor do I want to be, but I need a city with a mall, and restaurants, grocery stores that stay open later than 9:00 at night, and a city that actually has things to offer- that town didn't, but circumstances led us there. Duke was growing way too fast for our little apartment and it wasn't healthy or fair for him to be cooped up in a small upstairs apartment. No one in our city would allow Huskies in rented properties (apparently they are on an aggressive breed list which I think is absolutely ridiculous, have you met Duke??), so we had to go 15 minutes out of our city to a very small town. None the less, being in a small town or a big city does not make someone better or worse than another person. Small towns are not for me, they're clearly not for blogger, but me living there for a couple months doesn't make me a lesser person. I didn't like it, so I changed it.

I don't stay inside all of the time. I work, I hang out with family, I go out with friends, John and I go out and do things, but just because I don't document every little thing I do via Facebook or just because I don't travel the world like blogger does, doesn't mean I'm a homebody who doesn't like to go out. On the contrary, I love to go out. I hate sitting home. I have to sometimes because John and I only have one car at the moment, but we/I go out when possible.

I also feel like blogger was "getting to know me" during an extreme transitional phase in my life, and that blogger's comments were wrongful assumptions. We had just moved to a small town I hated being in, and I hadn't made a lot of friends here yet so I didn't have a ton to do at the time, but seeing me for a few months out of my entire life does not give a full picture of who I am or what I want.

Blogger's post was not entirely about me, I was just a blurb in it, but these comments still made me really upset. Upset because I don't want people to think little of me or my life because I live a very full life. I have dreams and goals just like everyone else, but just because I want different things than blogger does or because I go about getting them differently does not give reason to belittling or even mentioning me in blogger's personal blog at all. I was upset with myself for giving off the perception to someone that that's who I am, and I was upset because I let Blogger's words upset me. There are other circumstances in this whole thing that are the main reasons it unnerved me so much, but I don't want to disclose them because it's a touchy subject. All I can say is, don't judge other people. Don't assume things about people. Just because you see or hear glimpses of another person's life doesn't mean you know what makes that person who they are...because you don't.

All In Due Time

I love my new job. I get to play with babies all day long! Sure there's some diaper changing, bottle feeding, and throw up cleaning mixed in there, but the majority of the time is spent cuddling and playing with babies and I love it. I'm still trying to find where I fit in with the people I work with, but isn't that how it always is though? That's why I hate starting new jobs. I hate being the new girl. I hate not knowing everything. I like having my routines and having friends in the workplace. I'm not quite there yet, but it'll come I'm sure.

On another note, John and I have decided not to go the military route. I'm very happy with this decision, and he is too. Kudos to everybody who lives that life, but it's not for us.

Also, super exciting news....John and I have started trying for a baby! Words can't even express how ecstatic this makes me. I'm questioning myself about announcing this to my blog (I haven't even announced it to family and have only told a couple really close friends) in case we can't get pregnant or in case it takes years. That's a major scare for me, and it happens to people! I'm doing all the right things, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything so we'll see how all this works out. Though I gotta say, I know I've been baby hungry for a very long time now, but I'll admit  the timing now seems pretty great....much greater than even 6 months ago. This new job has really opened up doors that weren't there before. I can now have dual coverage for myself as far as medical insurance goes, our income is better, and to put the cherry on the sundae- when I have a baby, my baby can come to work with me and be in our center. It's perfect. I told John a year ago that whenever the time for a baby came I wanted a job that provided a day care so I could bring our baby with me to work- I can check in on breaks and my lunch, we don't have to worry about finding a babysitter....and I didn't even know this was an option when I applied for this job. This is just more reassurance that God's timing is always better than our own!

Rest in Paradise

 me & grandpa on the historic bayfront. he loved the ships in the background and an old bar across the street

 matt & grandpa when they came out to visit last summer

 grandma & grandpa. would have been married 40 years next week <3

this is the double rainbow that was over the hospital the morning my grandpa passed away. I asked for a sign from God the night before he died...I couldn't have gotten a sign more clear.

Oh Life, You Silly Thing You

Um, so, what hasn't happened since I was last on this thing?

I'll try to go in order of events...

I got a new job. Hooray! No more drug rehab work for this girl, no siree. I got a job in a child development center on OSU's campus. It's a private center for OSU faculty and students. I'm beyond excited to work in a professional job environment, with educated people, and people who respect each other oh and babies, how could I forget the babies. I am an infant room teacher. STOKED for that by the way! I will be surrounded by infants all day every day. Serious smiles for that!

Then, my grandpa died. He died on September 11th after my grandma had signed a DNR. This whole thing has been terrible. I flew back out to Utah early last Saturday morning because the funeral was that afternoon, and I flew back home to Oregon Sunday afternoon. It was a quick trip full with tons of emotions. The service was beautiful though. We had a small viewing for family before the funeral which made it easier to accept the fact that I was where I was because it didn't look like him at all. Then we got in a limo and rode over to the mausoleum where he is buried. The mausoleum is beautiful! I can't imagine him being laid to rest anywhere else, he deserves something so different and marvelous. The service itself was cool. It was a military service which I had never seen in person before. It was complete with the trumpeter, gun salute, and presenting of the flag. There were so many people there my grandma kept saying "he would never believe all of these people were here for him!" it was awesome. They read a couple things that we had written about him (the pastor reading mine was definitely the hardest part for me personally)...the whole thing really did him justice. So job well done. Of course that doesn't make accepting reality any easier. Everyone is having a really hard time with the loss because he is seriously one of the best people this earth has known.

When I came back home I quit my job officially and signed the paperwork for my new job that I start next week.

John and I went to talk to a recruiter, although we didn't get much information because John needs to talk to an officer recruiter which apparently is different from a regular enlisted recruiter. So he's setting up an appointment to go talk with him. John and I have been discussing this whole military thing extensively, but I just have so many worries about it. Our number one worry being that we just bought this house and we're not sure we'd be able to sell it right away. I feel like we'd lose a lot of money that we don't have to lose. We'd have to get a couple things fixed that have broken since moving in, we'd probably have to come up with at least half of closing costs which we couldn't do.....this whole thing makes me wonder if the military is even an option right now. But then again John is 26 so his time is running out on becoming an officer if this is truly what he wants to do. The whole thing stresses me out. If we were in an apartment the decision would be much easier to make, we'd do it. But we haven't been in this house for longer than 6 months....to join he military right now seems crazy to me.

So that's our life right now. It's happy, it's depressing, it's stressful, but still somehow optimistic.

Looking for Guidance and Asking for Prayer

I don't even know where to start.

I'm hoping that since I've actually started typing this that the words will sort of just flow out of my fingertips.

My life kind of feels like a whirlwind right now. So much is going on, and it feels like so much can change my life in an instant.

My grandpa is still in the ICU. He's been in there for 3 weeks now. About a week and a half ago I got a call from my family telling me that he had taken a turn for the worst. I caught the next flight home to see him and was there for a little over a week. I'm so glad I got to go. I got to see him, to talk to him, although he wasn't conscious half the time, I know he knows I was there. He didn't make much progress while I was home, although when I left he was off life support which is good, but yesterday his heart stopped. Luckily they were able to revive him, but I don't know if he's going to make it out of that hospital and it terrifies me.

In addition to that, John has been seriously contemplating joining the military. He feels like maybe that's where God is leading him. We're not making any rash decisions or anything, but we're talking about it, praying about it, and we're going to go talk to a couple recruiters to get more information. I never thought I'd be a military wife. I hear from everyone how hard military life is on marriages and families so I'm not ecstatic about the idea.  A hard part for me is that all of the families (including my own) are air force families, but we don't have an air force base here in Oregon. So we're going to go talk to Navy and Army recruiters along with the Coast Guard.....but I don't know anything about how they operate. Even if we don't have a base here, is Air Force still an option if we are wiling to relocate? See, I don't know anything.

I feel like the next few months will change my life a lot. I'll keep you guys updated on everything, but in the mean time please pray for my grandpa and guidance for John? Thanks.