Perceptions

I'm going to be as vague about this as possible so bear with me...

Today I was online and seeing as how I have ADD when I'm online (I can go from YouTubing Disney songs to looking up tattoo ideas in about 10 seconds flat) one link lead me to another and I stumbled upon a personal blog of someone I know. Yes, I know this person in real life, but we don't really know a lot about what makes each other tick if ya know what I mean. So, I read on. I read so I could get to know blogger in blogger's own words, after all, isn't that why people have blogs?

I felt awkward reading it because of the circumstances we're both in, but I did anyway. Blogger had quickly mentioned me in a couple blogs stating very obvious things about me, but one post in particular made me pretty upset. Blogger made a comment about me barely being 21 and already married (clearly this wasn't a too recent post, though blogger did have my age wrong at the time anyway. I was 22 when blogger wrote it and almost 22 when I got married...ANYWAY), living in a small town with only one main road, who stays inside all the time, doesn't do anything and "has no desire to change it". 

I have issues with this statement. Many issues. First because it's condescending; second, because it alludes to a person who isn't who I am at all and third, because I feel blogger didn't even really try to get to know me for who I am before making this presumptuous comment.

Yes, I got married young and it was the best decision of my life. I love John with everything in me and wouldn't change the age we got married for anything. I wouldn't change our life for anything. Some people say we got married too young, I say- not for us. Everyone one is different, every relationship is different, what's right for one is not necessarily right for the other.

At the time blogger was around me I was living in a small town with one main road that I HATED. I seriously couldn't stand living in the town we lived in. I hated everything about it. It was too small, and I don't do small towns. I'm not in a big city now by any means nor do I want to be, but I need a city with a mall, and restaurants, grocery stores that stay open later than 9:00 at night, and a city that actually has things to offer- that town didn't, but circumstances led us there. Duke was growing way too fast for our little apartment and it wasn't healthy or fair for him to be cooped up in a small upstairs apartment. No one in our city would allow Huskies in rented properties (apparently they are on an aggressive breed list which I think is absolutely ridiculous, have you met Duke??), so we had to go 15 minutes out of our city to a very small town. None the less, being in a small town or a big city does not make someone better or worse than another person. Small towns are not for me, they're clearly not for blogger, but me living there for a couple months doesn't make me a lesser person. I didn't like it, so I changed it.

I don't stay inside all of the time. I work, I hang out with family, I go out with friends, John and I go out and do things, but just because I don't document every little thing I do via Facebook or just because I don't travel the world like blogger does, doesn't mean I'm a homebody who doesn't like to go out. On the contrary, I love to go out. I hate sitting home. I have to sometimes because John and I only have one car at the moment, but we/I go out when possible.

I also feel like blogger was "getting to know me" during an extreme transitional phase in my life, and that blogger's comments were wrongful assumptions. We had just moved to a small town I hated being in, and I hadn't made a lot of friends here yet so I didn't have a ton to do at the time, but seeing me for a few months out of my entire life does not give a full picture of who I am or what I want.

Blogger's post was not entirely about me, I was just a blurb in it, but these comments still made me really upset. Upset because I don't want people to think little of me or my life because I live a very full life. I have dreams and goals just like everyone else, but just because I want different things than blogger does or because I go about getting them differently does not give reason to belittling or even mentioning me in blogger's personal blog at all. I was upset with myself for giving off the perception to someone that that's who I am, and I was upset because I let Blogger's words upset me. There are other circumstances in this whole thing that are the main reasons it unnerved me so much, but I don't want to disclose them because it's a touchy subject. All I can say is, don't judge other people. Don't assume things about people. Just because you see or hear glimpses of another person's life doesn't mean you know what makes that person who they are...because you don't.

Head Scratch

Today was a day for the books.

I went into work, happy go lucky, ready to start my work week, when as soon as I get there I'm told that there's a lice outbreak.

A WHAT?!

GROSS!!

So me and Courtney (a friend I work with) got the pleasure of doing lice checks on all the kids. We checked I think around 10 kids....only a couple of them weren't infested.

YUCK!!

The moms had to be checked, go figure, they were all infested too.

DOUBLE YUCK!!

Have you ever had to do multiple lice checks? I've seen so many lice (louse?) today I'm set for life. They're nasty, and they scurry throughout your hair....I fell like I'm gonna gag just thinking about it. 

I know that this comes with the job. I work in a very gross house, with some pretty questionable women who honestly astound me sometimes with their awful hygiene...but I don't do lice!

I've gotten sick so many times from this place, my immune system should be epic right now, but guys, lice? Really?

All of the staff were checked for lice. I don't have it! (Thank God!) But everyone was required to do a lice treatment just in case. So after work I went over to Courtney's house. I did her hair and she did mine....we felt like monkeys when we were sitting searching each other's hair. Can I reiterate THANK GOD I DON"T HAVE LICE!

Some people say "Oh it's just lice"...they're basically saying, "Oh it's just a parasite that's sucking your blood and lays 5 eggs in your hair every day". Yeah, it's "just" lice....

The thing that's so frustrating about this whole ordeal, is that the client that brought the lice into the house brought it in over a month and a half ago! She was embarrassed so she didn't tell anyone, and didn't treat herself, so it's invested the entire house.

Like I said, I guess it comes with the territory because of the type of people I work with in the environment I work in, but come on that shit's nasty.

Mental Capacity

The past two days I've felt like I'm seconds away from a mental breaking point. I don't think I've ever been so stressed out in my life. And I don't really know how I let myself get so overwhelmed.

Working my job is very stressful (not that all jobs aren't, and not saying mine's worse than yours), and it's a type of stressful that I can't really explain. Working with addicts day in and day out, and working with troubled children day in and day out starts to take a toll on you. And I would be okay if I were just dealing with work...but working that job and having so much school work is mentally exhausting. I think I found myself crying out of pure exhaustion and stress at least 3 times yesterday. It doesn't really help that the housework suffers while I'm so preoccupied with other things. I feel like the house is a mess (athough it's been much worse in the past), but I'm not keeping up with everything like I should be- though believe me, it's not for lack of trying.

That's also contributed to my sense of being overwhelmed. My never ending list of things to do. I feel like I never get a break. I get up and go to work, work all day, come home only to find myself needing to make dinner, clean the house, do the laundry, play with Duke or take him on a walk, and then around 11 I'll finally get to start on my homework; I'll work on that until 3 or 4 in the morning only to wake up and do it all over again. And my weekends that I have "off" are consumed with even more studying, errand running, and deep cleaning that I can't find the time to do thoroughly throughout the week.

This week (especially today and yesterday) I hit my mental wall. You know when you're working out and your mind keeps telling you "stop you can't take anymore"? My mind was screaming at me "STOP! YOU CAN"T TAKE ANYMORE!". I think most of it comes back to this nutrition class, as stupid as that may sound. I don't think I've ever studied so hard for a class and not seen adequate results. I've been nose deep in my nutrition book for 11 hours in a 24 hour time period and I don't feel confident in anything that I've submitted. Talk about a blow to your self confidence...

Though there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just submitted my 4th nutrition exam and regardless of whether I pass or fail I only have two more exams and both are open book/open note. I see that as a possible chance to raise my grade. I think I see a glimmer of white.We leave for vacation (a much, much needed vacation) a week from tomorrow. Hey, I think the light is getting brighter. And even if I fail this nutrition class, I've already signed up for it again with, according to ratemyprofessor.com, a 5 star teacher who requires zero tests and only a couple quizzes. God, is that you?

I Need A Break

I've been down in the dumps lately. Here's what's been going on....

My brother moved today. I'm very sad about this. He and I have always been really close and although sometimes Portland seemed like forever away, it was still comforting to know that if I needed him he was only an hour drive north. Now he's moving clear down to San Diego and I'm already feeling lonely. When John and I decided to move to Oregon I had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I wouldn't be near any of my family, but I had accepted it and was learning to live with my decision to move away from them. Then my brother moved out here to Oregon and even though I missed other family members, it was so comforting to know that he was out here with me. I had planned on my new life here in Oregon to be without family, but then I got the awesome surprise of my brother's sudden move out here and I was ecstatic...now I have to get back to accepting the fact that I'm pretty much alone out here. I know that sounds harsh because I have my awesome/wonderful husband and his loving family, but it's just not the same as having my blood out here....ya know?

On top of my own personal issues in that area, work has been terrible. My hours have been yo-yoing for a while now. At first my hours were cut, then I was given hours, now my hours are cut again, but then they're talking about giving shifts back...it's so unprofessional it's ridiculous. Not only am I having issues with the company itself right now, I don't know how much longer I can stay there because of the high emotions that come with the job. I feel like every child I get attached to gets taken away and thrown back into foster care. I had two in one day on Tuesday taken and thrown back into the foster care system, and they just so happened to be my two favorite kids in the program. It's one thing to see a child and mother leave because the mom graduates and is thriving...it's completely different when the mother doesn't want her kids and gives them away. I don't understand it, and I don't know how much longer I can take the heartbreak that comes with it. Tuesday I literally packed this sweet little 18 month old toddler's belongings into a foster moms car, and handed him over to her after the mom was arrested in our facility. It was terrible and I was a massive wreck. I can't do that again. People tell me not to get attached, but how do you not get attached to these sweet, innocent kids who are put in these situations not because of any wrongdoing on their part but because of their parent's train-wrecked lives? It's not possible. You get attached. You want to take them home. You want to give them a better life and show them that they're loved. And then, after dealing with all of the emotional turmoil that comes from the kids, you have the women to put up with and let me tell you, they're attitudes stink up to high heaven. I've been yelled at, cursed at, threatened....I usually have patience to put up with it, but lately with everything else going on I don't.

And, my slumber party stuff that I was talking about before? It's bombing. It hasn't even taken off yet and I feel like it's already been a mistake. I've had to reschedule my first party twice now and no one has bought anything from my website.

I'm so frustrated with everything right now. Can I have a break from life for a minute?

Patience Is A Virtue

Patience is a virtue that I have not had lately.

I'm pretty sure mine and John's relationship would be perfect if computers and video games were never invented. I really have no patience for them. No, correction, I have no patience for a husband who plays them all day long.

I don't know how many times or ways (patiently and not so patiently) I've tried to tell him my feelings about the issue, but I guess it just doesn't come across right. Either that, or he simply doesn't care how much I hate them. I'd like to think it's not the latter, but who knows.

The other day I told him that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life arguing over these stupid games, I'll throw them and the computer out of the f*&%ing window before that happens. Ugh, I just get so frustrated. I shouldn't have to compete with people online nor should I have to beg for quality time which I feel like I've been doing lately.

There ya have it ladies and gentlemen. My marriage is not perfect. Here is it's biggest flaw.

Meltdown

I had a meltdown last night, a major meltdown. Like a mascara all over my face, half yelling/half chin quivering meltdown. A meltdown so intense I'm completely embarrassed by it and my actions that came from it. Here's what happened.

After months of contacting people, filling out all of the paperwork, and re-registering for school I finally logged online last night to register for spring classes (I was hoping for late registration). But for some reason there was a hold on my record and it wouldn't let me register. John was sitting next to me and I asked him, "What does this mean?". He looked at it and said, "I dunno, but you do realize that we'll have to pay out of state tuition now right?". I knew this, but apparently it had just dawned on John. Then he started talking about how out of state tuition is usually 3 times more expensive than in state and that we would need to find out if Weber is even an option money-wise. So, I hopped on their website and checked out the tuition fees....out of state tuition is 4 times more than in state at Weber. And then John so nonchalantly said, "Well, looks like you'll have to go to community college and then transfer over to OSU because that's not an option". And then....the meltdown.

For those of you who aren't caught up on the whole transfer situation I'm in, OSU won't accept my credits. I would have to go to a community college, retake my core classes, then transfer over to OSU (or any university out here, it's all the same) and start from scratch for a new degree. I was 88% done with my degree at Weber before moving, so starting completely over-to me- isn't an option. But last night, John told me it was my only option. I flipped. I didn't know whether to be really depressed because all of my work would be for nothing (not to mention the fact that he's been urging me to get back in school ASAP and the night I go to register for classes he tells me we can't afford it), or enraged because he acted like starting completely over was no big thing, like going to a community college and then trying to get into a new university (which we're looking at 4 maybe 4+ years) was so easy to accept when if we were still in Utah I would have had my degree already.

He tried to console me and tell me how sorry he was, but that out of state tuition just wasn't feesable. That just made it worse. Rubbing my back while I'm in this complete meltdown was the last thing I wanted because "nothing [was] going to make me feel better". This is where I'm embarrassed by my actions and words. I was flat out rude to John. And I feel terrible about it. I just felt like, "it's so easy for you to tell me that I have to start over when you already have your degree". I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted to be alone for a while (I hate that I told him to leave me alone, that's so unlike me). He walked away, but then heard me crying and being the amazing man he is he came back in and put his arm around me even though I fought it. I really was split between two emotions: anger and utter disappointment. One minute I was incredibly disappointed, the next I was very mad about the entire situation. It wasn't pretty.

After I had collected myself and the storm was calming, John said maybe it would be best if we moved back to Utah so I could finish, and then after a year we'd move back to Oregon. I appreciate his willingness to pick everything up and move for me, but to me that's not an option either. I want to be here, he wants to be here, I do not want to move back to Utah, and to me moving would be admitting that we had failed and our year here was a waste of time. When I don't feel that way at all. I feel like this is where God wants us.

After looking at all of our options and going back to Weber's info page, John realized that he had misunderstood. Even though the tuition is four times more expensive, he thought the amount was per semester and not for one year. It turns out that Weber is an option after all, and in reality, it's the best option.

So today I was on the phone for an hour and a half getting my hold taken off the record (simple misunderstanding) and talking with admissions. John wanted me to call and make sure that I wouldn't qualify as a resident since according to my Oregon license I haven't been here a year until March. Well, the bad news is- I'm not a resident. The good news is- I'm not a resident. Because I'm out of state and am just taking online classes, I qualify for the distance learning program which means that I pay less that in state tuition because I don't have to pay any student fees or anything like that.

Finally something worked out for us! It's about time. I mean, I've been struggling to get back in school for a while now, everything that we tried seemed to not work in our favor...until this morning. I'm so thankful that come May I'll be back in school and I'll only have a little bit to go before I finally get my degree.

I am ashamed of how I acted last night. I've never acted like that before. But luckily for me I have a very understanding husband who forgave me and for some reason, loves me at my ugliest. That's love.

A Case of the Eff- Its

I started on a fitness challenge with my sister-in-law at the beginning of the month -our goal was to lose 5 pounds, that's all, a measly 5 pounds in 31 days and our overall goal is 10 pounds by October 1st.
All I really want is to be able to lose the weight that I've gained since moving to Oregon; to fit into the clothes that I moved out here with because as it stands I am very limited to wearable clothes in my wardrobe, and this goal would do that. Right now I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and that's not a great feeling. I want to feel good; I want to look good; I want improvement.

I've been working out 4-5 days a week, eating under 1,000 calories nearly every day (I say nearly because I had a couple bad days, but I really do mean a couple...as in two), and my working out has been an intense cardio workout program, but you know what....I haven't lost a single pound. How is that possible?
Not only am I not reaping the benefits of my recent healthy habits, but I'm getting overly annoyed by everyone always asking me "how many calories are you at today?", "how many calories is that?", "did you add ________ to your list of calories today?", "did you work out today?", blah, blah, blah. I started this for me and somehow it's turning into a huge deal that everyone constantly nags me about. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that the more you force me to do something, the more I'm not going to do it just to make a point- to prove that I make my own decisions. Yes, I am that ridiculously stubborn.

These two things together are creating a big case of the f@$% its for me. I'm tempted to say f@$% it to the diet, f@$% it to the workout program, and f@$% it every time someone gives me their opinion on how well or not well I'm doing with my diet. I'm not giving up, definitely not giving up, but I'm getting a little discouraged...okay, really discouraged. I hope I start seeing some results soon. I need to remember why I started this and get back to that mentality.  This certainly didn't start because I wanted people's approval, it wasn't to prove anything to anyone, it was to be healthy and be happy in my own skin.

So day number 23 starts tomorrow (technically today), and I have 8 days to shred these first 5 pounds.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this....I hope I can do this...