Have you ever made a life changing decision and afterwards you can't stop thinking if it was the right one?
I made one of those two years ago and I'm still unsure if it was the right thing to do.
I'm really homesick. I've been really homesick for two years now. I have zero family out here (John's doesn't count) and I will never have family out here. I've made a handful of friends and I can honestly say I've only made one that I would be sad leaving. In two years I've only made one friendship that I would miss. How sad is that?
I love Oregon, I really do. I love being near the ocean. I love the rain. I love how green it is all the time. But I love my family more. I hate not being there for my grandma during this whole transition of losing my grandpa. I hate not being there for my sister and her last year of high school. I hate that I can't be with my dad and celebrate with him on every holiday. I miss my friends- my real, true, lifelong friends. I miss white Christmases. I miss being home. Plain and simple.
I know John loves being able to just go crabbing on a whim. I know he loves going salmon fishing whenever he wants. I know he loves having his parents near him. But I also know that he misses his best friends like crazy because he, like me, hasn't met any of those life-long friends yet. He mentioned the other day how if we could move back he could send himself to police academy and he's sure he would be able to land a job.
But how do we change it now? How do we just pick up again and move?
I think John and I need to have a serious talk....
Showing posts with label Utah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Utah. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Family Emergency
I'm back in Utah folks. This past week has been a very emotional week for me and my family.
I got a call on Monday of last week telling me that my grandpa was in the hospital. He thought he had the flu over the weekend, and come Sunday night he was in so much pain he told my grandma to take him to the hospital. Turns out his intestines were twisted. They had to do emergency surgery right away.
The surgery went better than expected. They originally thought that the intestines had a knot in them and that they would have to cut part of them off in fear of dead tissue, they were only twisted so that was an easier fix. However, complications have come since then. My grandpa has always had a bad heart, and has been on blood thinner for years. They had to thicken his blood before the surgery to keep him from bleeding out, and they couldn't put him back on the blood thinner after the surgery for the same reason. Well, the thickened blood put him at a high risk for a stroke. Then he got pneumonia...badly. We're still working on that. Then he got an infection. And now his heart is beating twice as hard as it should be.
He's in really bad shape. After hearing that he had taken a turn for the worst I got on the next flight home and landed here at 8:30 this morning. I went to see him first thing today. He's sedated most of the time, though he responded to me a little bit today. I was holding his hand and talking to him; he opened his eyes, tried lifting his head, tried talking (I could see him moving his mouth a little bit (he's on a ventilator)), he moved his feet, and the thing I loved the most...he squeezed my hand- a couple times. Everyone says that was the most responsive he's been to anyone. Some people say that it wasn't really him because he's on so many drugs right now. I don't care what they say though, it was my grandpa that was squeezing my hand, it was my grandpa who was looking back at me, it was my grandpa who was moving his feet. I feel like I'm holding on to a thread right now, but I'm holding on to that little hope for dear life.
I finally admitted out loud to John last night that I'm angry with God for doing this to my grandpa and my family, at the same time though I still find myself keeping faith that He'll pull my grandpa though this.
My grandpa has been like my dad. I love my dad don't get me wrong, and we have an amazing relationship, but my grandpa is the one that has always been there for me. My grandpa is in all of my childhood memories. My grandpa put a roof over my head, gave me a bed for me to sleep in, clothes on my back, and food in my belly; he has always been my biggest defender, and my biggest cheerleader.
So this can't be it.
Not yet.
The doctors say that the next 48 hours will tell us how this is going to turn out in the end. So I ask you, any of you and all of you who are reading this, please pray for him. Please pray that he'll gain his strength back; that he'll be able to beet the pneumonia, that he'll be able to fight off the infection, and that he'll be able to come back home.
I got a call on Monday of last week telling me that my grandpa was in the hospital. He thought he had the flu over the weekend, and come Sunday night he was in so much pain he told my grandma to take him to the hospital. Turns out his intestines were twisted. They had to do emergency surgery right away.
The surgery went better than expected. They originally thought that the intestines had a knot in them and that they would have to cut part of them off in fear of dead tissue, they were only twisted so that was an easier fix. However, complications have come since then. My grandpa has always had a bad heart, and has been on blood thinner for years. They had to thicken his blood before the surgery to keep him from bleeding out, and they couldn't put him back on the blood thinner after the surgery for the same reason. Well, the thickened blood put him at a high risk for a stroke. Then he got pneumonia...badly. We're still working on that. Then he got an infection. And now his heart is beating twice as hard as it should be.
He's in really bad shape. After hearing that he had taken a turn for the worst I got on the next flight home and landed here at 8:30 this morning. I went to see him first thing today. He's sedated most of the time, though he responded to me a little bit today. I was holding his hand and talking to him; he opened his eyes, tried lifting his head, tried talking (I could see him moving his mouth a little bit (he's on a ventilator)), he moved his feet, and the thing I loved the most...he squeezed my hand- a couple times. Everyone says that was the most responsive he's been to anyone. Some people say that it wasn't really him because he's on so many drugs right now. I don't care what they say though, it was my grandpa that was squeezing my hand, it was my grandpa who was looking back at me, it was my grandpa who was moving his feet. I feel like I'm holding on to a thread right now, but I'm holding on to that little hope for dear life.
I finally admitted out loud to John last night that I'm angry with God for doing this to my grandpa and my family, at the same time though I still find myself keeping faith that He'll pull my grandpa though this.
My grandpa has been like my dad. I love my dad don't get me wrong, and we have an amazing relationship, but my grandpa is the one that has always been there for me. My grandpa is in all of my childhood memories. My grandpa put a roof over my head, gave me a bed for me to sleep in, clothes on my back, and food in my belly; he has always been my biggest defender, and my biggest cheerleader.
So this can't be it.
Not yet.
The doctors say that the next 48 hours will tell us how this is going to turn out in the end. So I ask you, any of you and all of you who are reading this, please pray for him. Please pray that he'll gain his strength back; that he'll be able to beet the pneumonia, that he'll be able to fight off the infection, and that he'll be able to come back home.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friend Notification
You know how on Facebook it notifies you that so and so is now friends with so and so? In the past year I've seen my friends from high school become friends with my friends from college, who then become friends with more of my other friends, etc. etc. all of who had never met before. So now my circle of college friends, church friends and high school friends are somehow all connected and we have the same friends. And every time I see this I think, "How did their paths cross?" or "How did that happen?".
It all just reminds me how small Utah really is and how thankful I am to be out of it! I think the icing on the cake was when I met a girl through a friend of mine from high school, and this girl had a boyfriend. We all hung out and they were planning on getting married. Next thing I know I had lost contact with all of them and I show up at one of my dad's parties only to see this girls (now) ex-boyfriend partying with my family! He had starting working with my mom, who then met my step-sister, and they all became friends, and so now I'm friends with him and I haven't spoken to either of the first two girls for 3 years! Hahaha. Yes, Utah is way too small.
It all just reminds me how small Utah really is and how thankful I am to be out of it! I think the icing on the cake was when I met a girl through a friend of mine from high school, and this girl had a boyfriend. We all hung out and they were planning on getting married. Next thing I know I had lost contact with all of them and I show up at one of my dad's parties only to see this girls (now) ex-boyfriend partying with my family! He had starting working with my mom, who then met my step-sister, and they all became friends, and so now I'm friends with him and I haven't spoken to either of the first two girls for 3 years! Hahaha. Yes, Utah is way too small.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Rest In Love: Officer Francom
Unless you're from Utah, I doubt you've heard of the shooting in Ogden that killed Officer Jared Francom.
He went to a house to issue a drug warrant and when the door was opened the suspect opened fire. Officer Francom was killed and 5 others were injured (one of those being my Aunt's nephew who is in critical condition). The whole thing really hit home for me. I didn't know Officer Francom, but it happened in my hometown, right where I grew up. The fact that my Aunt's nephew was shot in this horrible event hits even closer.
It scares the hell out of me that John wants to be a policeman. I fully support him and encourage him in his pursuit, but knowing that what happened to Officer Francom could happen to any police officer leaves me sleepless some nights.
The funeral service for Officer Francom was held a couple days ago at the Dee Event Center and I wish so badly that I could have been there. I've only seen videos of it, but seeing the whole community come together like they did that day is moving. I've never seen anything like it, especially not in Ogden. We always see big tributes to our military for their sacrifices, but so often our local heroes sacrifices get pushed aside and taken for granted. So many people have a negative view of policemen, but nothing boils my blood more than the disrespect that is given to them. I'll spare you my rant, but they deserve just as much respect as our military and firemen.
Here's a video of the funeral service that was held. Like I said, I've never seen anything like it.
RIL Officer Francom. Your sacrifice will never be forgotten <3
He went to a house to issue a drug warrant and when the door was opened the suspect opened fire. Officer Francom was killed and 5 others were injured (one of those being my Aunt's nephew who is in critical condition). The whole thing really hit home for me. I didn't know Officer Francom, but it happened in my hometown, right where I grew up. The fact that my Aunt's nephew was shot in this horrible event hits even closer.
It scares the hell out of me that John wants to be a policeman. I fully support him and encourage him in his pursuit, but knowing that what happened to Officer Francom could happen to any police officer leaves me sleepless some nights.
The funeral service for Officer Francom was held a couple days ago at the Dee Event Center and I wish so badly that I could have been there. I've only seen videos of it, but seeing the whole community come together like they did that day is moving. I've never seen anything like it, especially not in Ogden. We always see big tributes to our military for their sacrifices, but so often our local heroes sacrifices get pushed aside and taken for granted. So many people have a negative view of policemen, but nothing boils my blood more than the disrespect that is given to them. I'll spare you my rant, but they deserve just as much respect as our military and firemen.
Here's a video of the funeral service that was held. Like I said, I've never seen anything like it.
RIL Officer Francom. Your sacrifice will never be forgotten <3
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Meltdown
I had a meltdown last night, a major meltdown. Like a mascara all over my face, half yelling/half chin quivering meltdown. A meltdown so intense I'm completely embarrassed by it and my actions that came from it. Here's what happened.
After months of contacting people, filling out all of the paperwork, and re-registering for school I finally logged online last night to register for spring classes (I was hoping for late registration). But for some reason there was a hold on my record and it wouldn't let me register. John was sitting next to me and I asked him, "What does this mean?". He looked at it and said, "I dunno, but you do realize that we'll have to pay out of state tuition now right?". I knew this, but apparently it had just dawned on John. Then he started talking about how out of state tuition is usually 3 times more expensive than in state and that we would need to find out if Weber is even an option money-wise. So, I hopped on their website and checked out the tuition fees....out of state tuition is 4 times more than in state at Weber. And then John so nonchalantly said, "Well, looks like you'll have to go to community college and then transfer over to OSU because that's not an option". And then....the meltdown.
For those of you who aren't caught up on the whole transfer situation I'm in, OSU won't accept my credits. I would have to go to a community college, retake my core classes, then transfer over to OSU (or any university out here, it's all the same) and start from scratch for a new degree. I was 88% done with my degree at Weber before moving, so starting completely over-to me- isn't an option. But last night, John told me it was my only option. I flipped. I didn't know whether to be really depressed because all of my work would be for nothing (not to mention the fact that he's been urging me to get back in school ASAP and the night I go to register for classes he tells me we can't afford it), or enraged because he acted like starting completely over was no big thing, like going to a community college and then trying to get into a new university (which we're looking at 4 maybe 4+ years) was so easy to accept when if we were still in Utah I would have had my degree already.
He tried to console me and tell me how sorry he was, but that out of state tuition just wasn't feesable. That just made it worse. Rubbing my back while I'm in this complete meltdown was the last thing I wanted because "nothing [was] going to make me feel better". This is where I'm embarrassed by my actions and words. I was flat out rude to John. And I feel terrible about it. I just felt like, "it's so easy for you to tell me that I have to start over when you already have your degree". I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted to be alone for a while (I hate that I told him to leave me alone, that's so unlike me). He walked away, but then heard me crying and being the amazing man he is he came back in and put his arm around me even though I fought it. I really was split between two emotions: anger and utter disappointment. One minute I was incredibly disappointed, the next I was very mad about the entire situation. It wasn't pretty.
After I had collected myself and the storm was calming, John said maybe it would be best if we moved back to Utah so I could finish, and then after a year we'd move back to Oregon. I appreciate his willingness to pick everything up and move for me, but to me that's not an option either. I want to be here, he wants to be here, I do not want to move back to Utah, and to me moving would be admitting that we had failed and our year here was a waste of time. When I don't feel that way at all. I feel like this is where God wants us.
After looking at all of our options and going back to Weber's info page, John realized that he had misunderstood. Even though the tuition is four times more expensive, he thought the amount was per semester and not for one year. It turns out that Weber is an option after all, and in reality, it's the best option.
So today I was on the phone for an hour and a half getting my hold taken off the record (simple misunderstanding) and talking with admissions. John wanted me to call and make sure that I wouldn't qualify as a resident since according to my Oregon license I haven't been here a year until March. Well, the bad news is- I'm not a resident. The good news is- I'm not a resident. Because I'm out of state and am just taking online classes, I qualify for the distance learning program which means that I pay less that in state tuition because I don't have to pay any student fees or anything like that.
Finally something worked out for us! It's about time. I mean, I've been struggling to get back in school for a while now, everything that we tried seemed to not work in our favor...until this morning. I'm so thankful that come May I'll be back in school and I'll only have a little bit to go before I finally get my degree.
I am ashamed of how I acted last night. I've never acted like that before. But luckily for me I have a very understanding husband who forgave me and for some reason, loves me at my ugliest. That's love.
After months of contacting people, filling out all of the paperwork, and re-registering for school I finally logged online last night to register for spring classes (I was hoping for late registration). But for some reason there was a hold on my record and it wouldn't let me register. John was sitting next to me and I asked him, "What does this mean?". He looked at it and said, "I dunno, but you do realize that we'll have to pay out of state tuition now right?". I knew this, but apparently it had just dawned on John. Then he started talking about how out of state tuition is usually 3 times more expensive than in state and that we would need to find out if Weber is even an option money-wise. So, I hopped on their website and checked out the tuition fees....out of state tuition is 4 times more than in state at Weber. And then John so nonchalantly said, "Well, looks like you'll have to go to community college and then transfer over to OSU because that's not an option". And then....the meltdown.
For those of you who aren't caught up on the whole transfer situation I'm in, OSU won't accept my credits. I would have to go to a community college, retake my core classes, then transfer over to OSU (or any university out here, it's all the same) and start from scratch for a new degree. I was 88% done with my degree at Weber before moving, so starting completely over-to me- isn't an option. But last night, John told me it was my only option. I flipped. I didn't know whether to be really depressed because all of my work would be for nothing (not to mention the fact that he's been urging me to get back in school ASAP and the night I go to register for classes he tells me we can't afford it), or enraged because he acted like starting completely over was no big thing, like going to a community college and then trying to get into a new university (which we're looking at 4 maybe 4+ years) was so easy to accept when if we were still in Utah I would have had my degree already.
He tried to console me and tell me how sorry he was, but that out of state tuition just wasn't feesable. That just made it worse. Rubbing my back while I'm in this complete meltdown was the last thing I wanted because "nothing [was] going to make me feel better". This is where I'm embarrassed by my actions and words. I was flat out rude to John. And I feel terrible about it. I just felt like, "it's so easy for you to tell me that I have to start over when you already have your degree". I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted to be alone for a while (I hate that I told him to leave me alone, that's so unlike me). He walked away, but then heard me crying and being the amazing man he is he came back in and put his arm around me even though I fought it. I really was split between two emotions: anger and utter disappointment. One minute I was incredibly disappointed, the next I was very mad about the entire situation. It wasn't pretty.
After I had collected myself and the storm was calming, John said maybe it would be best if we moved back to Utah so I could finish, and then after a year we'd move back to Oregon. I appreciate his willingness to pick everything up and move for me, but to me that's not an option either. I want to be here, he wants to be here, I do not want to move back to Utah, and to me moving would be admitting that we had failed and our year here was a waste of time. When I don't feel that way at all. I feel like this is where God wants us.
After looking at all of our options and going back to Weber's info page, John realized that he had misunderstood. Even though the tuition is four times more expensive, he thought the amount was per semester and not for one year. It turns out that Weber is an option after all, and in reality, it's the best option.
So today I was on the phone for an hour and a half getting my hold taken off the record (simple misunderstanding) and talking with admissions. John wanted me to call and make sure that I wouldn't qualify as a resident since according to my Oregon license I haven't been here a year until March. Well, the bad news is- I'm not a resident. The good news is- I'm not a resident. Because I'm out of state and am just taking online classes, I qualify for the distance learning program which means that I pay less that in state tuition because I don't have to pay any student fees or anything like that.
Finally something worked out for us! It's about time. I mean, I've been struggling to get back in school for a while now, everything that we tried seemed to not work in our favor...until this morning. I'm so thankful that come May I'll be back in school and I'll only have a little bit to go before I finally get my degree.
I am ashamed of how I acted last night. I've never acted like that before. But luckily for me I have a very understanding husband who forgave me and for some reason, loves me at my ugliest. That's love.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
You Live in Utah If...
I don't live in Utah anymore, but it's home and because Utah is my home I find this hilarious:
What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Utah:
What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Utah:
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