Meltdown

I had a meltdown last night, a major meltdown. Like a mascara all over my face, half yelling/half chin quivering meltdown. A meltdown so intense I'm completely embarrassed by it and my actions that came from it. Here's what happened.

After months of contacting people, filling out all of the paperwork, and re-registering for school I finally logged online last night to register for spring classes (I was hoping for late registration). But for some reason there was a hold on my record and it wouldn't let me register. John was sitting next to me and I asked him, "What does this mean?". He looked at it and said, "I dunno, but you do realize that we'll have to pay out of state tuition now right?". I knew this, but apparently it had just dawned on John. Then he started talking about how out of state tuition is usually 3 times more expensive than in state and that we would need to find out if Weber is even an option money-wise. So, I hopped on their website and checked out the tuition fees....out of state tuition is 4 times more than in state at Weber. And then John so nonchalantly said, "Well, looks like you'll have to go to community college and then transfer over to OSU because that's not an option". And then....the meltdown.

For those of you who aren't caught up on the whole transfer situation I'm in, OSU won't accept my credits. I would have to go to a community college, retake my core classes, then transfer over to OSU (or any university out here, it's all the same) and start from scratch for a new degree. I was 88% done with my degree at Weber before moving, so starting completely over-to me- isn't an option. But last night, John told me it was my only option. I flipped. I didn't know whether to be really depressed because all of my work would be for nothing (not to mention the fact that he's been urging me to get back in school ASAP and the night I go to register for classes he tells me we can't afford it), or enraged because he acted like starting completely over was no big thing, like going to a community college and then trying to get into a new university (which we're looking at 4 maybe 4+ years) was so easy to accept when if we were still in Utah I would have had my degree already.

He tried to console me and tell me how sorry he was, but that out of state tuition just wasn't feesable. That just made it worse. Rubbing my back while I'm in this complete meltdown was the last thing I wanted because "nothing [was] going to make me feel better". This is where I'm embarrassed by my actions and words. I was flat out rude to John. And I feel terrible about it. I just felt like, "it's so easy for you to tell me that I have to start over when you already have your degree". I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted to be alone for a while (I hate that I told him to leave me alone, that's so unlike me). He walked away, but then heard me crying and being the amazing man he is he came back in and put his arm around me even though I fought it. I really was split between two emotions: anger and utter disappointment. One minute I was incredibly disappointed, the next I was very mad about the entire situation. It wasn't pretty.

After I had collected myself and the storm was calming, John said maybe it would be best if we moved back to Utah so I could finish, and then after a year we'd move back to Oregon. I appreciate his willingness to pick everything up and move for me, but to me that's not an option either. I want to be here, he wants to be here, I do not want to move back to Utah, and to me moving would be admitting that we had failed and our year here was a waste of time. When I don't feel that way at all. I feel like this is where God wants us.

After looking at all of our options and going back to Weber's info page, John realized that he had misunderstood. Even though the tuition is four times more expensive, he thought the amount was per semester and not for one year. It turns out that Weber is an option after all, and in reality, it's the best option.

So today I was on the phone for an hour and a half getting my hold taken off the record (simple misunderstanding) and talking with admissions. John wanted me to call and make sure that I wouldn't qualify as a resident since according to my Oregon license I haven't been here a year until March. Well, the bad news is- I'm not a resident. The good news is- I'm not a resident. Because I'm out of state and am just taking online classes, I qualify for the distance learning program which means that I pay less that in state tuition because I don't have to pay any student fees or anything like that.

Finally something worked out for us! It's about time. I mean, I've been struggling to get back in school for a while now, everything that we tried seemed to not work in our favor...until this morning. I'm so thankful that come May I'll be back in school and I'll only have a little bit to go before I finally get my degree.

I am ashamed of how I acted last night. I've never acted like that before. But luckily for me I have a very understanding husband who forgave me and for some reason, loves me at my ugliest. That's love.