What Would Have Been

Ive been having a hard time dealing with my miscarriage the past couple days. It's been hitting me at work at the most random times- I'll be feeding a baby and it'll hit me, or a baby will fall asleep in my arms and it'll hit me, or even yesterday when one of our babies rolled over for the first time...it hit me then too. I think I'm thinking about it so much lately because I was going to announce our pregnancy this upcoming Tuesday, my birthday. I would have been 3 months, but instead I'm starting all over.

I also just had a friend lose her baby and I know exactly what she's feeling. She was a couple weeks further a long when she lost hers, but I still understand and it brought me back to that place again. It sucks. And although we're still trying, I'm full of mixed emotions about seeing a positive test. I want that so bad; I pray for it every night...but I'm terrified at the same time thinking that the same thing will happen again, and I don't know how I'll take it if I have to go through this a second time around.