I've always wanted to be a mom, it's something that I just feel like I was born to do. I wanted to wait a little while before John and I started having kids because I didn't want to be one of those couples who don't know what it's like to just be together and enjoy each other- without a baby involved. My family even took a bet on how quickly I would get pregnant before John and I got married. My sister said my wedding night (oh ye of little faith!), my brother, step-mom, and pretty much everyone excluding my dad said they'd give me 1 year before I was pregnant, my dad gave me 2. Well, I made it a year (in a week and a half) and I'm not pregnant. But I really don't think I'm gonna make it two years which was my initial goal.
People tell me to wait and to enjoy married life. And I feel like I have enjoyed it; I love married life. I love being John's wife and being our own little family. And although we've only been married for 1 year, I think people forget sometimes that we've been together for 6 1/2 years so I feel like I've waited.
It's hard when you want something so badly and yet everyone around you is getting exactly what you are trying to hold out on. I have a group of 4 friends and we've been super close since we were in kindergarten. Well, one is having a baby any day now, I mean really, I wouldn't be surprised if she popped tonight; my other friend's wife is now pregnant and they're expecting theirs soon, so 2 of us 4 are expecting. On top of that I have a friend who has a beautiful 1 year old boy; John's cousin's wife is pregnant and due in the spring (I think that's when she's due...); I see tons of acquaintances via Facebook (aka: people I know from high school but who I wouldn't say are exactly close friends) announcing pregnancies and having babies; I'm around babies all day at work and two of our clients are expecting now (one who also is going to pop soon I'm sure of it), and now on top of ALL that my sister-in-law is now pregnant.
Please don't get me wrong, I am very excited... actually, ecstatic for all of my friends and my sister-in-law to be having babies (especially Jaici my sister-in-law, I can't wait to be an aunt to a baby Merrigan!!) but I'm ashamed to say that I''m also jealous. People laugh and think it's funny, hell, I make a joke out of my baby itch too, but when I'm left alone I find myself more sad then I should be. I'm not going to confess as to what exactly that means but it's like I said, it's hard when you want something so badly, and you see everyone around you getting it.
I just can't help but wonder when it will be our turn to experience something so amazing. I wonder when John will finally say "ok, we can try". I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but I'm only being honest.
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I could have totally posted the exact same thing on my blog. Even though I already have a little one, the plan was for me to be pregnant for her 2nd birthday, and apparently that just wasn't God's plan. And now, all of a sudden, I have a new friend announcing they are pregnant almost weekly. Although I am happy and excited for them, every one hits deeper and deeper. I think there is something in us as women that make us want babies on a whole different level then men. You are not alone in this mixed up feeling.
ReplyDeleteI can see where they are coming from when people say don't have kids too soon, it changes your relationship...blah blah blah. Its true. But having a kid makes it that much better. Sure, you can't just go out to a movie when you get a free night. Traveling is harder. But the benifits of a child greatly outweighs all the negatives. At least in my oppinion.
GL in this journey. Your day of mommyhood will come.